#1 – Trimmed my own bushes.  I hate the heat, so all of last summer, I paid a magical black man to do it for me.  He’s magical because I was sitting at home one scorching Sunday afternoon, enjoying my air conditioning and drinking a lemonade, when I realized that my bushes were completely out of control and my neighbors probably hate me for it and that I would have no choice but to brave the outdoors and trim them at some point during the day.  Just as I finished sobbing and was preparing to actually put on some pants, the magical black man knocked on my door and asked me if I would like him to trim my bushes for me (for a fee, of course.)  Clearly this was a case of magic rather than some sort of extreme coincidence.  And he’s black because his parents were black.Total savings: $40.

#2 – Replaced my driver’s side headlight.  I had replaced the passenger side headlight a couple of years ago with little problem, but the driver’s side presents a huge problem because that’s where the battery is, and it makes it impossible to work without first removing the battery.  I have never completely removed my own battery, and electricity is scary, so I had my doubts, but I was able to do it without a) dying and b) blowing up my car.  Way to go, me.

Total savings: ~$20.

#3 – Ate two more free McDonald’s sandwiches.  After my last order from Amazon.com arrived with a coupon in it for two free McDonald’s sandwiches, I ended up giving them a positive review at work.  The next day, my co-worker came into work with two more coupons for two more free sandwiches that he had also received with his most recent Amazon.com order.  He hates using coupons, and he knows I’m a cheap fuck, so he gave them to me.  Awesome.

Total savings: ~$5.00

One free McDonald’s chicken and biscuit breakfast: DELICIOUS.

One free McDonald’s southern style chicken sandwich: PRETTY GOOD.

One sample of Teddy Grahams Trail Mix: Signed up for it online.  Shit sounds weird.

One sample of Gilette Body Wash: I hate body washes, but it was free.

Stop by your local Dunkin’ Donuts today between 10AM and 10PM for a free, small iced coffee.  I got mine on my lunch break and my waffle fries went cold in my car while I was waiting, but it was totally worth it.

Old men such as myself.

Visit https://secure.startsampling.com/sm/100254/captureAddress.iphtml?item=100254&source=&p= and get your free sample of Triple Flex, a gluclosamine supplement for joint mobility, etc.

If so, it’s going to be a cheap Mother’s Day for you.

Today only, TCBY is offering a free cup or cone for mom’s.  If you hate your mom or she’s dead, just throw on a wig and a dress and grab your free treat.

I’m lactose intolerant, so I’m posting this not as a reminder or a note to myself, but as a public service to those of you swimming in the lactase enzyme who also happen to love free shit.

Tomorrow, April 29th, is free cone day at all Ben & Jerry’s stores.  Stop by their site at http://www.benjerry.com to find the location nearest you.

Enjoy, assholes.